Musings on the fabled ‘Treasure Goblin’ from the correspondence of the adventurer and explorer, Zarathustra d’Jons
I have only been in the Tallowlands for a fortnight and my curiosity has been piqued by the frequent earnest — and somewhat heated —discussions I have overheard in several taverns regarding a most curious phenomenon — the elusive ‘Treasure Goblin’. It seems that many adventurers have sworn that they have encountered a curious sight — a goblin-like figure hunched under the weight of a massive sack of gold coins and other valuable items that when attacked quickly scurries away, scattering no small amount of coinage in the process and then once it has gained enough of a lead on its pursuers, it jumps through a gold-rimmed portal never to be seen again. While some have claimed to have killed such a creature (and it must be noted that most of the adventurers who make such claims quickly retire and enjoy lavish lifestyles), no corpses have ever been brought back for inspection and dissection.
While most of the speculation around Treasure Goblins seems to hinge on where they might be found and the vast amounts of riches in their possession, the exact nature of the Treasure Goblin (also known as ‘Loot Fiends’), comes a close third. I’ve heard a score of different theories but the most compelling I’ve heard so far are the following:
The first is that Treasure Goblins are native inhabitants of Chamon, the Realm of Metal and are at best only distantly related to their more commonly encountered cousins, Due to the sheer amount of change magic that saturates much of the realm, Treasure Goblins have developed an ability to creature tiny and very transient realmgates. The males use these to help them gather valuable items for their horde-nests as they are in constant competition with one another to have the biggest shiniest and most valuable nest with which to attract the females of their species. While no-one I’ve interrogated has directly laid eyes upon a female Treasure Goblin, I am told that they are several times more intelligent than their male kin and that natural selection has made them unparalleled in the art of assaying the value of precious metals and magical items. One drunkard tried to tell me a far-fetched story about a civil war between Fyreslayers that was triggered when one clan tried to sack a community of Treasure Goblins, only to find that their would-be victims had hired another clan in defence.
The second theory is that Treasure Goblins are in fact lesser greed-daemons of the Youngest God and while they are normally encountered in the Circle of Avidity — the outermost boundary of Slaanesh’s most pleasing and wondrous realm — such is their avarice that they have an uncontrollable urge to plunder the Mortal Realms. It is also said that during the height of a great reveal in which our beloved Lord gave himself over to sensation as is his divine nature, a greed daemon dared to sneak past the God and his/her handmaidens and ran off with Slaanesh’s scepter. In his wrath, Slaanesh decreed that from that moment until the end of time, the offending greed-daemon and his ilk should be cursed to wander the realms, endlessly compelled to stuff more valuables into their sacks but for every item added, another is doomed to fall out, so they can never be satisfied.
As a devout servant of the Youngest God (and how could I not be given that I live for the thrill of discovery?) perhaps it is not surprising that I find this to be by far the most compelling explanation. In addition, it makes me question some of the good Cardinal’s assumptions about the Tallowlands. If it is so unmarked by the touch of those beyond the veil, then how is it that Slaanesh’s name is evoked so openly when discussing such a matter?
I should add that only the most unhinged claim that Treasure Goblins were first encountered in a sub-realm with some similarities to the Tallowlands called Sanctuary, whose human inhabitants supposedly claim to be descended from the offspring of Stormcast Eternals and daemons. I find this utterly preposterous, although now I come to think about it no-one has told me that one of Sigmar’s chosen can’t procreate in the conventional manner. I will have to ask the dear Cardinal about this, as he may well know more.
Despite the dubious evidence for the existence of Treasure Goblins, I am told that the adventurers of the Tallowlands have a well-honed procedure should they encounter one. Given that a Treasure Goblin not swiftly killed will quickly escape through a portal, a savvy adventuring party will attempt to strike with overwhelming force and attempt to close off all potential avenues of escape.
When first spotted, a Treasure Goblin is often lost to the world, counting and recounting the contents of their loot-sack. Canny adventurers therefore do their level best to avoid disturbing the Treasure Goblin at first , instead taking great pains to try and find a route around it, so that when they inevitably attack it, it will flee back in the direction of rooms and chambers that the party have already explored, thereby preventing a blind head-along rush into unknown territory.
The necessity of this approach is often emphasised through the retelling of a tale known as Migloth’s Folly. Migloth by all accounts was a priest of Ranald whose love of treasure frequently caused him to lose all situational awareness (a phenomenon referred to by the adventuring fraternity as ‘loot-blindness’), necessitating a great many rescues by his fellow adventurers. One fateful day, Migloth spotted a Treasure Goblin and immediately gave chase. In his loot-blind haste, he failed to realise that he had run straight past a group of bemused Orruks who subsequently put a stop to his desperate race after the Treasure Goblin via the vigorous application of several ‘big choppas’.
Showing posts with label Hedonites of Slaanesh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hedonites of Slaanesh. Show all posts
The archeologist's commission
Dearest Zarathustra,
I trust this finds you well? I realise that it has been sometime since I had need of your unique skills and for this I can only apologise. Thanks to Slaanesh’s boundless generosity my circumstances have changed. We both have heard rumours of a great empire that had fallen to barbarians after reaching commendable heights in terms of raw sensation and most remarkably of all without the inspiration that the servants of the Youngest God can provide, due to its remote and mysterious location. Until now all efforts to discover the ruins of this place have been stymied. I say until now because a map has come into my possession, a copy of which I have enclosed. It appears that the civilization in question is the Sinian Empire, which is located in the region now known as the Tallowlands.
You can only imagine my excitement, for while as you know I possess arguably the greatest library of erotic literature in the eight realms and our blessed Cathedral of the Endless Consummation boasts five wings each devoted to a different collection of God-pleasing artefacts, in truth I fear we are becoming lax in our devotions. While my beloved Mineko continues to recite the classics with the perfect diction I and my congregation require, I fear repetition is causing her words to fall upon deaf ears. In short, we require novel sensation and I am looking to you, my dearest Zarathustra, to procure it for us.
Seek out the ruins of lost Sinia, spare no expense and return to us all the works that have survived. Know that in doing so, you do the God’s work. But beware, if word has reached me, then it has surely reached less devote ears and I shudder to think of the few delicate wonders that remain being trampled on by the ignorant and unworthy.
There is one more thing, you may have heard rumours of the God’s imminent return — I believe them with all my heart to be true. Each night I see glimpses of his divine countenance and I wake with my cushions stained with bloody tears. He will return and when he does it is vital that we celebrate my Darling Lord’s return with excesses the like of which the realms have never seen. For he will be thirsty for all that he has missed since his imprisonment. Of course, this necessitates complete knowledge of the revelries and debaucheries of the past and while we will of course fall short of this goal, we are far more likely to be able to offer up new and pleasing sensations to our lord if we know of those experienced in lost Sinia.
Your loving patron,
Cardinal Xel’liath
_________________________________________________________________________________
Dearest Cardinal,
It gave me great joy to hear from you and I delight in renewing our correspondence. Rest assured that I will make all haste to the Tallowlands and will not return until I am certain that no more can be recovered from the remains of lost Sinia. I am pleased to hear that Mineko is still providing you with good service — I will remember her reading of The Essence of Wrong until my dying day. I attach my list of expenses — I realise that they are already considerable, but it was difficult to find a Kharadron Sky-Captain willing to travel so far from established trade-routes and I had to take additional measures to ensure his absolute discretion in this matter.
I can only hope that the Sinian Empire was not as fond of snakes as the defenders of the Temple of Sanguinary Splendour. As you know, I can’t abide such creatures and all those who mirror their forms. Similarly, it would be pleasing if the food of the Tallowlands is more agreeable to my constitution than that of Aqshy — you may recall the time I was forced to terminate a duel through the judicious use of my pistol due to a particularly potent meal of desert rat marinated in fire-chilli sauce.
On a more positive note, my initial research indicates that I can expect minimal Sigmarite interference and I will provide a complimentary summary of my findings regarding the Tallowlands and their suitability for conversion along with the items that you require (assuming of course that they have not already perished to time’s embrace).
Yours in rapturous debasement,
Zarathustra d’Jons
I trust this finds you well? I realise that it has been sometime since I had need of your unique skills and for this I can only apologise. Thanks to Slaanesh’s boundless generosity my circumstances have changed. We both have heard rumours of a great empire that had fallen to barbarians after reaching commendable heights in terms of raw sensation and most remarkably of all without the inspiration that the servants of the Youngest God can provide, due to its remote and mysterious location. Until now all efforts to discover the ruins of this place have been stymied. I say until now because a map has come into my possession, a copy of which I have enclosed. It appears that the civilization in question is the Sinian Empire, which is located in the region now known as the Tallowlands.
You can only imagine my excitement, for while as you know I possess arguably the greatest library of erotic literature in the eight realms and our blessed Cathedral of the Endless Consummation boasts five wings each devoted to a different collection of God-pleasing artefacts, in truth I fear we are becoming lax in our devotions. While my beloved Mineko continues to recite the classics with the perfect diction I and my congregation require, I fear repetition is causing her words to fall upon deaf ears. In short, we require novel sensation and I am looking to you, my dearest Zarathustra, to procure it for us.
Seek out the ruins of lost Sinia, spare no expense and return to us all the works that have survived. Know that in doing so, you do the God’s work. But beware, if word has reached me, then it has surely reached less devote ears and I shudder to think of the few delicate wonders that remain being trampled on by the ignorant and unworthy.
There is one more thing, you may have heard rumours of the God’s imminent return — I believe them with all my heart to be true. Each night I see glimpses of his divine countenance and I wake with my cushions stained with bloody tears. He will return and when he does it is vital that we celebrate my Darling Lord’s return with excesses the like of which the realms have never seen. For he will be thirsty for all that he has missed since his imprisonment. Of course, this necessitates complete knowledge of the revelries and debaucheries of the past and while we will of course fall short of this goal, we are far more likely to be able to offer up new and pleasing sensations to our lord if we know of those experienced in lost Sinia.
Your loving patron,
Cardinal Xel’liath
_________________________________________________________________________________
Dearest Cardinal,
It gave me great joy to hear from you and I delight in renewing our correspondence. Rest assured that I will make all haste to the Tallowlands and will not return until I am certain that no more can be recovered from the remains of lost Sinia. I am pleased to hear that Mineko is still providing you with good service — I will remember her reading of The Essence of Wrong until my dying day. I attach my list of expenses — I realise that they are already considerable, but it was difficult to find a Kharadron Sky-Captain willing to travel so far from established trade-routes and I had to take additional measures to ensure his absolute discretion in this matter.
I can only hope that the Sinian Empire was not as fond of snakes as the defenders of the Temple of Sanguinary Splendour. As you know, I can’t abide such creatures and all those who mirror their forms. Similarly, it would be pleasing if the food of the Tallowlands is more agreeable to my constitution than that of Aqshy — you may recall the time I was forced to terminate a duel through the judicious use of my pistol due to a particularly potent meal of desert rat marinated in fire-chilli sauce.
On a more positive note, my initial research indicates that I can expect minimal Sigmarite interference and I will provide a complimentary summary of my findings regarding the Tallowlands and their suitability for conversion along with the items that you require (assuming of course that they have not already perished to time’s embrace).
Yours in rapturous debasement,
Zarathustra d’Jons
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